Love is Always the Answer
I don’t know who needs to read this but I feel compelled to write and to be fair for the reader, I have no idea what I’m about to write. I am just letting my higher-self come through to tell whatever it is that needs to be told.
I have spent the last decade, if not more, caring way too much about what other people think. Although I never used to care what others thought of me before being promoted into a leadership position. I was told that I was perceived as a Bitch and that I needed to tone down my attitude or basically who I was so that more people would like me. This is where it mostly started – the self-judgement. I was also in a marriage where speaking your truth was not supported by my partner which was definitely a culture of his family. I can’t tell you how many times I would speak my truth about how I felt and I was completely shamed over my feelings. I also had difficulty expressing myself without projecting anger or frustration. There was indeed some traumatic circumstances that I had to endure in those days.
After I was promoted, I had to manage people’s perceptions of me. But please understand that the reason I wanted to be a leader was to be a leader that I never had. I wanted to be the type of leader that listened, looked out for my people, actually cared about them personally and professionally and didn’t buy into the “we’ve always done it this way” approach. It came with its challenges as I knew the type of leader I wanted to be and the more I leaned into that the more push-back and resistance I received as “feedback”. Yes there were times I didn’t collaborate with my peers because I had a vision of what needed to change in our organization but when the daggers started hitting my back, I knew that I was never going to be able to be the person I wanted to be without trading in some values that were not part of my core being. I personally raised the bar on what I wanted in a role, the company and the organization I was a part of. The end of my 21 year career was quite toxic and traumatic. I was blindsided by being eliminated of my director role in a strategic meeting with my leader and peers. Fortunately my leader gave me my severance package the day our annual bonus came out because I was also going through a divorce and desperately needed that bonus money I had earned from the year before. Yes you heard that right – after 21 years of being married and working for the same company, they both came to an abrupt end at the same time. It was a very challenging time for me both personally and professionally.
This all happened in 2019 and I have been on a healing journey and quest to find out who I really am at my core ever since. I found tools to help me self-regulate my emotions so that I could get underneath them, which was a sense of unworthiness. As I became a business/life coach over these last few years and had a short stint at non-profit, I once again found myself feeling ‘not good enough’. Over the last several years, my focus has been on personal growth specifically around my spiritual path. I utilized many resources to get over the sense that I am not good enough but it was always there like a cracked foundation and no matter what I erected on top of that foundation, it just wouldn’t hold. The more I leaned into my higher wisdom, the more I found spiritual healers and teachers and as I was listening to my favorite podcast, the Spiritual Geek Out Podcast with Diane Hudock, whom I have utilized for Bio Field energy healing and spiritual counseling, she mentioned the book ‘A Course In Miracles’. My soul didn’t think twice about it, I immediately ordered it from Amazon and within a couple days I started reading the book that forever changed me.
What I have learned about myself is that I was constantly looking for the answers outside of myself, hoping and praying that someone would see the real me and love me for that person. But what was always missing was loving every aspect of myself – all my strengths, all my flaws, and forgiving all my judgements of myself and others. What I have learned is that our ego was created to keep us safe and created safety mechanisms in the hopes of keeping us emotionally safe. But when our ego takes total control we can’t hear our own inner wisdom or it comes in short bursts and can be infrequent and inconsistent at best. I have known for quite some time that my purpose here is to simply love and every day that I choose love for myself which includes loving thoughts, I have more energy, I have greater peace, I have more gratitude and I’m thankful every day for all that I have. And all that I have is the power of loving myself. This is where true power lays. Each time my sneaky ego brings up old thoughts or old beliefs which is often, I have to be diligent in my self-awareness of these thoughts and feelings and choose a new and different thought. It was not easy at first, but as I interpreted the book in a way that felt right for me, I find myself at peace more and more often.
As I now reflect back on what poured out of my writing above with very little editing, what I wanted to share is that no matter your past traumas or limiting beliefs, the real power that you have is already within you. All you have to do is learn how to truly love yourself. Another aspect that helped me was lifting the veil that we are separate from our creator, and if you are spiritual like me and you believe and have faith in a higher power, you are ONE with it. All the love that ever was, is right inside you. And if you are not spiritual just know that Love of self is always the answer.
Most of us were taught to compete and compare and to judge others for their mistakes. But when we let go of all that was and forgive ourselves knowing we were caught up in our ego, then we see that all of us are on the same path towards inner love. As I said at the beginning, I don’t know who needed to hear this, but I hope that something stirred or resonated within you to bring that inner love to the surface.
As a side note, A Course In Miracles may not be for everyone. As someone who is post catholic, it is based on the point of view of Jesus Christ and as someone who doesn’t follow any religion, I found it a fascinating translation from the authors. If you pick it up, take what resonates and leave the rest. The core message is simply about Love and that we are all one.
